Tobin's Story:

On Tuesday, June 15, 2010 I received a phone call from my OB's office. The doctor explained that there were some concerns they had with my ultrasounds. They were seeing "red flags" that indicated there could be something wrong with our baby. We were then scheduled to meet with a specialist that Friday. The next couple of days felt like the longest days of my life. Friday morning we first met with a genetic counselor. She went over what they were seeing in my previous ultrasounds and what they would be looking for in the ultrasound I would have after we talked with her. Basically there were two things that they were looking for: Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. She went over what each of those meant and answered the questions we had. We then went in for the ultrasound with the specialist. The specialist came in and explained what they were seeing in the ultrasound: 2 vessel umbilical chord, cysts on the brain, extra amniotic fluid, clenched fists, a cleft lip and clubbed feet. As he went over each thing my heart broke and I wept. When the ultrasound was finished we met with the specialist in his office and he shared with us that he believed our baby had Trisomy 18 which meant that our baby was incompatible with life. He gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy. There was no way we were going to do that. We loved this sweet baby and wanted to show him that love and make the most of his life whatever that may be. We scheduled an amniocentesis test for Friday, August 20th. This would confirm if he had Trisomy 18 as well as confirm the gender of our baby. The specialist prayed with us before we left.

I remember thinking August seemed so far away, but when August 20th came it seemed so quick. I was extremely nervous about the test, but it went rather quick and smoothly. On Monday, August 23rd (Dave's Birthday) we received the preliminary results of the amniocentesis. They did in fact find 3 of the 18th chromosome. Our baby had Trisomy 18. They also shared with us that we were having a baby boy. Dave and I held each other and wept. How could this be?!? After officially hearing the news Dave and I decided we needed to come up with a name for our son. We wanted it to have special meaning. It took us about a week to decided his name: Tobin Kendall. Tobin meaning "God is Good" and Kendall being Dave's grandfather's name and his father's middle name. We truly believed and continue to believe that God Is Good and wanted others to know that.

On Monday, September 6 after a few days of not feeling any movement from Tobin, Dave and I went in to the hospital for a non-stress test. I prayed so hard that God would allow us to hear Tobin's heartbeat. The nurse continued to move the Doppler around on my belly searching for his heartbeat. She explained to us that she wasn't confident enough to tell us that the heartbeat she was hearing was mine or his and so she would call our doctor to have an ultrasound done. Our doctor came and did the ultrasound. After a few minutes of scanning he showed us where Tobin's heart was and explained that there was no heartbeat...Tobin had passed. We decided to be induced the next day. Tobin arrived Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 4:06am. He was 2lbs 1oz and 12.5inches long. He was so beautiful and I cherish every moment we had with him.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

It's been a long 53 days!

53 days ago I delivered my sweet Tobin boy!  I relive that day over and over in my head.  I wish that I could hold him one more time...smell him one more time...kiss him one more time...but I know that even after that one more time I would still want more.  Today was my second due date for Tobin...October 31st...Halloween!  I remember when they changed my due date I prayed that I wouldn't have him on Halloween!

This week I had the opportunity to go back to subbing at Coopersville Elementary Schools again.  It was so fun to see the kids again!  I had forgotten how much I loved teaching and loved the kids!  On Monday I got to teach Music (my old long-term subbing position).  It was so much fun to see those same kids again and meet some new kids too.  At times it was hard because they knew I was going to have a baby in October so I had a few questions about Tobin.  I shared with each class that asked about my baby that we did have our baby and he was a beautiful boy named Tobin but that we was really sick and so he didn't live, but that he is in Heaven no longer sick and I can't wait to see him again!  The kids were so sincere and they showed me so much love.  Sometimes they would say they were sorry and that they didn't know, but I said, "That's okay!  I love sharing about Tobin!"

This weekend Dave, Michaela and I spent Friday and Saturday with our friends, Albie, LeighAnn, Kyren and Isaac shopping.  We had a great time with them!  They have been such wonderful friends to us and Michaela loves Kyren and Isaac.  While we were eating dinner at Tony's (they give you way more food than any human being should eat in one sitting) on Friday, the waitress asked Michaela a question that silenced our whole table.  She said, "Michaela, where are your siblings?  When are mom and dad going to give you a brother or sister?"  The table got quiet and I looked down at my plate fighting back tears.  I wanted so badly to say, "She has a baby brother!  His name is Tobin and he is in Heaven with Jesus!" or for Michaela to just say, "In Heaven!"  But at the same time I didn't want to get into it or make the waitress feel bad.  I know the waitress had all intentions of being good, she was a wonderful waitress...really good with the kids, even gave Michaela one of her favorites...a sucker, and I know that if Tobin was there with us she would have been so sweet to him too.  She didn't know what was going on in our lives and what we had just been through, but it made me think how careful I need to be with what I say and how I say things because I don't know what is going on in everyone's lives.

I do love to talk about Tobin and share him with others!  Sometimes I feel like people try to avoid bringing it up and I understand, but I want people to know that I have a son and I love him so much!  Tobin is not a bad word! :)  It is okay to say his name!  He is an important part of our lives and who we are!

Just as Tobin's name proclaims we continue to believe and trust that GOD IS GOOD!

Revelation 21:4
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Sunday, October 24, 2010

October


October was supposed to be a month filled with excitement and joy for our family.  It was the month we were going to welcome our beautiful firstborn son Tobin into this world.  Instead it has been a month of unfulfilled desires and thoughts running through my head daily.  I just want so badly to hold Tobin, rock him, sing to him, wake up in the middle of the night to feed him, cuddle him, smell him, kiss him, hear him cry, wash his cute piggy toes, watch Michaela love on him, and watch his Daddy love on him.  I prayed so hard that he would be healed.   And while God didn’t heal Tobin with the touch I selfishly wanted, He healed him forever.  Tobin has experienced the ultimate healing.  He doesn’t have to experience the anger, sadness and pain of this world.  He gets to experience the eternal healing power of our Savior.  I have always looked forward to the day that I would meet my Savior, but Heaven has become that much sweeter and I long for it so much more.  Just as "Heaven is the face of a little Girl" to Steven Curtis Chapman, Heaven is the face of our sweet baby boy Tobin.

Dave and I had the opportunity to go to, “A Night With the Chapmans” in Holland this past week.  My grandparents heard about it and got us tickets to not only attend the concert but to attend a VIP experience as well.  It was such an amazing night filled with so much hope.  Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth Chapman, shared with us their journey of grief that they have experienced these last 2 years.  As part of the VIP experience we were able to meet with Steven and Mary Beth Chapman before the concert.  There were 200 people that were able to sit in a group setting with the Chapman’s and ask questions and hear their answers as to what they have been going through.  They were so down to earth and it was very evident their dependence on each other and their dependence on the Lord.  The concert began with Steven introducing his son’s band Caleb.  Both Caleb and Will Franklin Chapman are in this band.  It was so neat to hear them talk about trusting God even through the difficult time of losing their sister.  Steven Curtis Chapman joined in singing with them on their last song and then he sang and spoke.  Mary Beth shared her story and how they have all had to trust that everything that God says is true and that they have a hope for the future.  All of the songs Steven Curtis Chapman sang had so much meaning and so much hope.  I loved their honesty and openness.  They are true examples of trusting God even in the darkest of times.  Dave and I found that we could relate to so many of the feelings, questions, and thoughts they have experienced.  I of course cried several times throughout the night.  It was so good for Dave and I to be there.

Friday morning Julie from the Ottawa County Health Department came to our house and visited with Dave and me.  We shared Tobin’s birth story and showed her pictures of him too.  She brought us the sweetest little bereavement bear in honor of Tobin as well as a book and a poem.  He is so cute!  She cried as she listened to us talk.  We had only met with her once before, but she has been an encouragement to us.  She also told us that she would love to stay a part of our lives and know when/if we have any more Baby Coursons.  She loved Michaela and Tobin!

Michaela continues to bring us much joy and she shares her brother’s name often with us.  She sees his picture and says, “Tobin!”  She sees the tree growing on our kitchen counter that we planted in memory of him and says, “Tobin’s Tree!”  She sees his blanket by my bed and says, “Tobin’s Blankee!”   Even though he isn’t here, she has shown us what a wonderful Big Sister she is and how much she loves her Baby Brother Tobin.

Although October has been a difficult month for our family, we continue to see God working in our lives.   It is only through Him that we are able to get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other.  Thank you for your continual prayers and encouragement.  We are so thankful for the friends and family God has given to us.
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