Tobin's Story:

On Tuesday, June 15, 2010 I received a phone call from my OB's office. The doctor explained that there were some concerns they had with my ultrasounds. They were seeing "red flags" that indicated there could be something wrong with our baby. We were then scheduled to meet with a specialist that Friday. The next couple of days felt like the longest days of my life. Friday morning we first met with a genetic counselor. She went over what they were seeing in my previous ultrasounds and what they would be looking for in the ultrasound I would have after we talked with her. Basically there were two things that they were looking for: Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. She went over what each of those meant and answered the questions we had. We then went in for the ultrasound with the specialist. The specialist came in and explained what they were seeing in the ultrasound: 2 vessel umbilical chord, cysts on the brain, extra amniotic fluid, clenched fists, a cleft lip and clubbed feet. As he went over each thing my heart broke and I wept. When the ultrasound was finished we met with the specialist in his office and he shared with us that he believed our baby had Trisomy 18 which meant that our baby was incompatible with life. He gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy. There was no way we were going to do that. We loved this sweet baby and wanted to show him that love and make the most of his life whatever that may be. We scheduled an amniocentesis test for Friday, August 20th. This would confirm if he had Trisomy 18 as well as confirm the gender of our baby. The specialist prayed with us before we left.

I remember thinking August seemed so far away, but when August 20th came it seemed so quick. I was extremely nervous about the test, but it went rather quick and smoothly. On Monday, August 23rd (Dave's Birthday) we received the preliminary results of the amniocentesis. They did in fact find 3 of the 18th chromosome. Our baby had Trisomy 18. They also shared with us that we were having a baby boy. Dave and I held each other and wept. How could this be?!? After officially hearing the news Dave and I decided we needed to come up with a name for our son. We wanted it to have special meaning. It took us about a week to decided his name: Tobin Kendall. Tobin meaning "God is Good" and Kendall being Dave's grandfather's name and his father's middle name. We truly believed and continue to believe that God Is Good and wanted others to know that.

On Monday, September 6 after a few days of not feeling any movement from Tobin, Dave and I went in to the hospital for a non-stress test. I prayed so hard that God would allow us to hear Tobin's heartbeat. The nurse continued to move the Doppler around on my belly searching for his heartbeat. She explained to us that she wasn't confident enough to tell us that the heartbeat she was hearing was mine or his and so she would call our doctor to have an ultrasound done. Our doctor came and did the ultrasound. After a few minutes of scanning he showed us where Tobin's heart was and explained that there was no heartbeat...Tobin had passed. We decided to be induced the next day. Tobin arrived Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 4:06am. He was 2lbs 1oz and 12.5inches long. He was so beautiful and I cherish every moment we had with him.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The 7 most precious hours of my life.

The 7 most precious hours of my life occurred one year ago when I delivered my sweet angel baby Tobin at 4:06am on September 8, 2011.
In so many ways it seems crazy to me that it has been a year since we said goodbye to our sweet Tobin and in other ways it seems crazy that it has only been a year.
This weekend (Labor Day)/week marked the one year anniversary of when I felt like my whole world came crashing and life as I knew it became a huge whirlwind...a blurr.  
As I was riding in the car with Dave and Michaela on Labor Day, haunting memories raced through my mind.  I remembered our "long" ride back from Ludington last year and debating whether or not we should go to the hospital because I hadn't felt Tobin move.  I remember praying so hard for just one kick and even trying to convince myself that I may have felt something.
As tears streamed down my face while we were riding and these thoughts were filling my mind, I was reminded of God's Goodness to us as I felt my sweet Aidan kick and move around inside of me.  What a blessing it has been to carry him and to feel each tiny movement.  It hasn't been an easy pregnancy for me as each appointment/milestone in my pregnancy has been a reminder of just a year ago, but I am so thankful for baby Aidan and that he is growing healthy and strong.
I was reminded not too long ago by a dear friend Heather and her husband Matt, who lost their precious daughter Bailey a month before we lost our Tobin, of God's Goodness and Faithfulness.
Although I never got to hear Tobin's first cry, look into his eyes for the first time, hear his first laugh, see his first smile, watch him take his first steps, take his first bite of real food, say his first words and so many more "firsts" that you look forward to as a parent, Tobin has been able to experience the best kind of firsts!  He is the first in our family to experience pure joy and to sit at Jesus' feet!  What a beautiful picture they painted for me!
I miss Tobin daily and don't understand why he was taken from us so soon, but I cling to the promises of our Lord and Savior that we will once again get to hold and see our precious Tobin.  I look forward to that day when I will get to experience the beautiful firsts in Heaven with him and once again hold him in my arms.
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