Tobin's Story:

On Tuesday, June 15, 2010 I received a phone call from my OB's office. The doctor explained that there were some concerns they had with my ultrasounds. They were seeing "red flags" that indicated there could be something wrong with our baby. We were then scheduled to meet with a specialist that Friday. The next couple of days felt like the longest days of my life. Friday morning we first met with a genetic counselor. She went over what they were seeing in my previous ultrasounds and what they would be looking for in the ultrasound I would have after we talked with her. Basically there were two things that they were looking for: Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. She went over what each of those meant and answered the questions we had. We then went in for the ultrasound with the specialist. The specialist came in and explained what they were seeing in the ultrasound: 2 vessel umbilical chord, cysts on the brain, extra amniotic fluid, clenched fists, a cleft lip and clubbed feet. As he went over each thing my heart broke and I wept. When the ultrasound was finished we met with the specialist in his office and he shared with us that he believed our baby had Trisomy 18 which meant that our baby was incompatible with life. He gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy. There was no way we were going to do that. We loved this sweet baby and wanted to show him that love and make the most of his life whatever that may be. We scheduled an amniocentesis test for Friday, August 20th. This would confirm if he had Trisomy 18 as well as confirm the gender of our baby. The specialist prayed with us before we left.

I remember thinking August seemed so far away, but when August 20th came it seemed so quick. I was extremely nervous about the test, but it went rather quick and smoothly. On Monday, August 23rd (Dave's Birthday) we received the preliminary results of the amniocentesis. They did in fact find 3 of the 18th chromosome. Our baby had Trisomy 18. They also shared with us that we were having a baby boy. Dave and I held each other and wept. How could this be?!? After officially hearing the news Dave and I decided we needed to come up with a name for our son. We wanted it to have special meaning. It took us about a week to decided his name: Tobin Kendall. Tobin meaning "God is Good" and Kendall being Dave's grandfather's name and his father's middle name. We truly believed and continue to believe that God Is Good and wanted others to know that.

On Monday, September 6 after a few days of not feeling any movement from Tobin, Dave and I went in to the hospital for a non-stress test. I prayed so hard that God would allow us to hear Tobin's heartbeat. The nurse continued to move the Doppler around on my belly searching for his heartbeat. She explained to us that she wasn't confident enough to tell us that the heartbeat she was hearing was mine or his and so she would call our doctor to have an ultrasound done. Our doctor came and did the ultrasound. After a few minutes of scanning he showed us where Tobin's heart was and explained that there was no heartbeat...Tobin had passed. We decided to be induced the next day. Tobin arrived Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 4:06am. He was 2lbs 1oz and 12.5inches long. He was so beautiful and I cherish every moment we had with him.

Friday, September 13, 2013

I Remember...

In March I had the opportunity to attend a Bereavement Conference for Helen Devos Children's Hospital at Calvin College with two of my dear friends from church.  The speaker was Robert Zucker, a grief counselor and inspirational speaker on loss and grief.  Along with Robert Zucker, there was a panel of parents, all vulnerable and sharing their losses and their grief.  Towards the end of the conference, Robert had us all participate in a writing exercise that he does in his grief counseling.  We were given a set amount of time to write and then we shared with the people at our table.

As we just grieved the loss of Tobin and celebrated his 3 year heaven birth date, I wanted to share with you what I wrote:

I remember when I found out I was expecting our 2nd child.
I remember the excitement.
I remember the heart stopping phone call.
I remeber the nervous feeling as the ultrasound technician rolled the video over the warm goo on my belly.
I remember seeing your precious profile with your clenched fists up by your face and laughing that you were ready to fight.
I remember the joy and sorrow felt with every kick.
I remember choosing your beautiful name, Tobin.
I remember the deep dark silence.
I remember the pain in my left side.
I remember your tiny nose, your 9 fingers, your soft dark hair, your beautiful cleft lip, your precious tiny clubbed feet.
I remember your smell.
I remember your soft skin.
I remember your cold body that no matter how many blankets I wrapped around you, you wouldn't get warm.
I remember the innocence of your sister holding you.
I remember the blood stained blankets and clothes.
I remember them taking you away.
I remember screaming in agony.
I remember walking out of the Baby Center with empty arms.
I remember watching your Daddy carry your box with tears streaming down his cheeks.
I remember the emptiness.
I remember the darkness.
I remember the hope.


No matter how many years go by, I will always vividly remember Tobin's story.  I look forward to that beautiful day when we will be reunited again...
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