This morning Michaela and I visited Tobin's grave. I was so nervous driving there. When I pulled into the cemetery Michaela squealed and yelled, "Momma look! Flowers!" I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw her beautiful smile. How could a place filled with such sorrow bring such joy? She giggled and continued to yell, "Flowers! Flowers! Flowers Momma!" When we got to The Garden of Innocence where Tobin is buried, I stopped the car and took a deep breathe. I turned and told Michaela that we were going to see where Tobin is and that she had to stay right with me. She was so precious. When we got out of the car we walked over to where Tobin is buried and I showed her the temporary marker that has Tobin's name on it and a little sheep. She laughed and proclaimed her baby brother's name. I told her that Tobin was safe with Jesus in Heaven. She repeated, "Jesus, Heaven!" I then suggested she sing to Tobin. So we sang "Jesus Loves Me" together and then we prayed for Tobin. It was so sweet to see how gentle Michaela was. If you know Michaela she doesn't sit still and is full of energy. This morning she stayed right with me, holding my hand and she sat on my lap and folded her hands so sweetly. We walked through looking at the names and dates of the other babies buried with Tobin and we prayed for the families of some of the babies. It was a special moment and although Michaela is only 18 months I was amazed at what a big girl she was and how the whole experience went. I know it was a total God thing!
It has been three weeks since I delivered Tobin, held his fragile body in my arms, kissed his sweet soft face with my lips, watched his Daddy look at him with gentle loving eyes and smile as he held his first born son, and then I had to give him away. One of the happiest and one of the most difficult days of my life. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about him.
My Aunt Robin gave me a CD and brought to my attention a beautiful song, "Glory Baby" by Watermark. Michaela refers to it as "Baby, Baby Song". The words are so beautiful and are a beautiful picture of where Tobin is now...in Glory. The song is on my playlist so take a listen.
Glory Baby Lyrics:
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby...baby..you were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby...baby...Heaven will hold you before we do. Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you...Until we're home with you...Miss you everyday. Miss you in every way. But we know there's a day when we will hold you. We will hold you. You'll kiss our tears away. When we're home to stay. Can't wait for the day when we will see you. We will see you. But baby let sweet Jesus hold you 'till mom and dad can hold you...You'll just have heaven before we do. You'll just have heaven before we do. Sweet little babies, it's hard to understand it 'cause we're hurting. We are hurting. But there is healing. And we know we're stronger people through the growing. And in knowing-That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would...Just like he said He would...I can't imagine heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like. But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home. And it's all you'll ever know...all you'll ever know...
Revelation 21:4
-looking forward to that day
Tobin's Story:
On Tuesday, June 15, 2010 I received a phone call from my OB's office. The doctor explained that there were some concerns they had with my ultrasounds. They were seeing "red flags" that indicated there could be something wrong with our baby. We were then scheduled to meet with a specialist that Friday. The next couple of days felt like the longest days of my life. Friday morning we first met with a genetic counselor. She went over what they were seeing in my previous ultrasounds and what they would be looking for in the ultrasound I would have after we talked with her. Basically there were two things that they were looking for: Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. She went over what each of those meant and answered the questions we had. We then went in for the ultrasound with the specialist. The specialist came in and explained what they were seeing in the ultrasound: 2 vessel umbilical chord, cysts on the brain, extra amniotic fluid, clenched fists, a cleft lip and clubbed feet. As he went over each thing my heart broke and I wept. When the ultrasound was finished we met with the specialist in his office and he shared with us that he believed our baby had Trisomy 18 which meant that our baby was incompatible with life. He gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy. There was no way we were going to do that. We loved this sweet baby and wanted to show him that love and make the most of his life whatever that may be. We scheduled an amniocentesis test for Friday, August 20th. This would confirm if he had Trisomy 18 as well as confirm the gender of our baby. The specialist prayed with us before we left.
I remember thinking August seemed so far away, but when August 20th came it seemed so quick. I was extremely nervous about the test, but it went rather quick and smoothly. On Monday, August 23rd (Dave's Birthday) we received the preliminary results of the amniocentesis. They did in fact find 3 of the 18th chromosome. Our baby had Trisomy 18. They also shared with us that we were having a baby boy. Dave and I held each other and wept. How could this be?!? After officially hearing the news Dave and I decided we needed to come up with a name for our son. We wanted it to have special meaning. It took us about a week to decided his name: Tobin Kendall. Tobin meaning "God is Good" and Kendall being Dave's grandfather's name and his father's middle name. We truly believed and continue to believe that God Is Good and wanted others to know that.
On Monday, September 6 after a few days of not feeling any movement from Tobin, Dave and I went in to the hospital for a non-stress test. I prayed so hard that God would allow us to hear Tobin's heartbeat. The nurse continued to move the Doppler around on my belly searching for his heartbeat. She explained to us that she wasn't confident enough to tell us that the heartbeat she was hearing was mine or his and so she would call our doctor to have an ultrasound done. Our doctor came and did the ultrasound. After a few minutes of scanning he showed us where Tobin's heart was and explained that there was no heartbeat...Tobin had passed. We decided to be induced the next day. Tobin arrived Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 4:06am. He was 2lbs 1oz and 12.5inches long. He was so beautiful and I cherish every moment we had with him.
On Tuesday, June 15, 2010 I received a phone call from my OB's office. The doctor explained that there were some concerns they had with my ultrasounds. They were seeing "red flags" that indicated there could be something wrong with our baby. We were then scheduled to meet with a specialist that Friday. The next couple of days felt like the longest days of my life. Friday morning we first met with a genetic counselor. She went over what they were seeing in my previous ultrasounds and what they would be looking for in the ultrasound I would have after we talked with her. Basically there were two things that they were looking for: Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. She went over what each of those meant and answered the questions we had. We then went in for the ultrasound with the specialist. The specialist came in and explained what they were seeing in the ultrasound: 2 vessel umbilical chord, cysts on the brain, extra amniotic fluid, clenched fists, a cleft lip and clubbed feet. As he went over each thing my heart broke and I wept. When the ultrasound was finished we met with the specialist in his office and he shared with us that he believed our baby had Trisomy 18 which meant that our baby was incompatible with life. He gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy. There was no way we were going to do that. We loved this sweet baby and wanted to show him that love and make the most of his life whatever that may be. We scheduled an amniocentesis test for Friday, August 20th. This would confirm if he had Trisomy 18 as well as confirm the gender of our baby. The specialist prayed with us before we left.
I remember thinking August seemed so far away, but when August 20th came it seemed so quick. I was extremely nervous about the test, but it went rather quick and smoothly. On Monday, August 23rd (Dave's Birthday) we received the preliminary results of the amniocentesis. They did in fact find 3 of the 18th chromosome. Our baby had Trisomy 18. They also shared with us that we were having a baby boy. Dave and I held each other and wept. How could this be?!? After officially hearing the news Dave and I decided we needed to come up with a name for our son. We wanted it to have special meaning. It took us about a week to decided his name: Tobin Kendall. Tobin meaning "God is Good" and Kendall being Dave's grandfather's name and his father's middle name. We truly believed and continue to believe that God Is Good and wanted others to know that.
On Monday, September 6 after a few days of not feeling any movement from Tobin, Dave and I went in to the hospital for a non-stress test. I prayed so hard that God would allow us to hear Tobin's heartbeat. The nurse continued to move the Doppler around on my belly searching for his heartbeat. She explained to us that she wasn't confident enough to tell us that the heartbeat she was hearing was mine or his and so she would call our doctor to have an ultrasound done. Our doctor came and did the ultrasound. After a few minutes of scanning he showed us where Tobin's heart was and explained that there was no heartbeat...Tobin had passed. We decided to be induced the next day. Tobin arrived Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 4:06am. He was 2lbs 1oz and 12.5inches long. He was so beautiful and I cherish every moment we had with him.
What a precious time with Michaela. Thank you for sharing. Know that we continue to pray for you all.
ReplyDeleteSue vandenBerg
Aw, Beth, that's so sweet! I can just picture Michaela doing exactly what you wrote...and the song has very good words, too! We're still praying for you! I love you! ~Sarah
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