Tobin's Story:

On Tuesday, June 15, 2010 I received a phone call from my OB's office. The doctor explained that there were some concerns they had with my ultrasounds. They were seeing "red flags" that indicated there could be something wrong with our baby. We were then scheduled to meet with a specialist that Friday. The next couple of days felt like the longest days of my life. Friday morning we first met with a genetic counselor. She went over what they were seeing in my previous ultrasounds and what they would be looking for in the ultrasound I would have after we talked with her. Basically there were two things that they were looking for: Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. She went over what each of those meant and answered the questions we had. We then went in for the ultrasound with the specialist. The specialist came in and explained what they were seeing in the ultrasound: 2 vessel umbilical chord, cysts on the brain, extra amniotic fluid, clenched fists, a cleft lip and clubbed feet. As he went over each thing my heart broke and I wept. When the ultrasound was finished we met with the specialist in his office and he shared with us that he believed our baby had Trisomy 18 which meant that our baby was incompatible with life. He gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy. There was no way we were going to do that. We loved this sweet baby and wanted to show him that love and make the most of his life whatever that may be. We scheduled an amniocentesis test for Friday, August 20th. This would confirm if he had Trisomy 18 as well as confirm the gender of our baby. The specialist prayed with us before we left.

I remember thinking August seemed so far away, but when August 20th came it seemed so quick. I was extremely nervous about the test, but it went rather quick and smoothly. On Monday, August 23rd (Dave's Birthday) we received the preliminary results of the amniocentesis. They did in fact find 3 of the 18th chromosome. Our baby had Trisomy 18. They also shared with us that we were having a baby boy. Dave and I held each other and wept. How could this be?!? After officially hearing the news Dave and I decided we needed to come up with a name for our son. We wanted it to have special meaning. It took us about a week to decided his name: Tobin Kendall. Tobin meaning "God is Good" and Kendall being Dave's grandfather's name and his father's middle name. We truly believed and continue to believe that God Is Good and wanted others to know that.

On Monday, September 6 after a few days of not feeling any movement from Tobin, Dave and I went in to the hospital for a non-stress test. I prayed so hard that God would allow us to hear Tobin's heartbeat. The nurse continued to move the Doppler around on my belly searching for his heartbeat. She explained to us that she wasn't confident enough to tell us that the heartbeat she was hearing was mine or his and so she would call our doctor to have an ultrasound done. Our doctor came and did the ultrasound. After a few minutes of scanning he showed us where Tobin's heart was and explained that there was no heartbeat...Tobin had passed. We decided to be induced the next day. Tobin arrived Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 4:06am. He was 2lbs 1oz and 12.5inches long. He was so beautiful and I cherish every moment we had with him.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

It has been a long time since I last blogged.  The holiday season kept our family EXTREMELY busy!  Not too busy to forget that we were missing one.  Anytime Dave and I went out shopping I would look at all the cute little boy stuff and sigh...most of the time cry because we should have been buying things for Tobin.  There were times during the holidays and birthday celebrations that I struggled to fully celebrate.  Not because I wasn't thankful or happy or humbled by what Christ did, but because it always feels as though something is missing.  There have been so many mornings that I don't want to get up...I just want to stay in bed...I just want to curl up and cray and not face the day (Dave can attest to several of these) but, then this sweet little voice says, "Come on Momma!" and I turn to see my sweet Michaela.  She has brought me so much joy!  Every baby is Tobin...she loves to drag his blankie and bear around.  She is so gentle with his stuff.  She makes such a great Mommy/Big Sister!  I love watching her care for her babies.

It was so wonderful to see how people really remembered/honored Tobin over the holidays.  For my birthday my Mom gave me another lamb blankie that we had buried with Tobin, for Christmas Dave got me a heart charm that has Tobin's footprints engraved with his birthstone and his name and date of birth engraved on the back side, my sister Angie got me a teardrop necklace for me for Christmas in remembrance of Tobin, our friends the DeVries' got us a heart ornament with his name engraved on it, my friends Abbey and LeighAnn got me a necklace with Tobin's name and birthstone, my sister Amy got me a Willowtree ornament with an angel holding a baby, Mrs. Rumley made a Baby Jesus ornament with Tobin's name on it,  and even before Christmas my Great Aunt and Uncle got me an ornament with Tobin's name on it and my Cousins too got me another ornament with Tobin's name on it.  It is such a joy and encouragement to me to have people recognize him/acknowledge him.


I am so appreciative when people ask me how I am doing....it is a dreaded question, because it is always so hard to say, but I do appreciate people sharing their love and concern for our family.

So, to answer the most dreaded question, "How are you?"...well, it has been *19 weeks *4 months 15 days; *137 days; *3,288 hours; *197,280 minutes; or *11,836,800 seconds...however you want to look at it.  The only thing keeping me going is the Lord.  There are so many days that I wonder how I made it through the day.  I have kept myself so busy with substitute teaching and working at my Grandpa's Insurance Agency.  I find myself frequently tired/exhausted yet unable to sleep.  Nights are the hardest...when the sun is down and it is dark and cold.  There are several days that I go crazy...little things bug me or I just go insane...Dave is usually the one that has to deal with me on those days...he is such a wonderful Husband and Daddy.  This last year was definitely a difficult year for our family and friends.  A month before Tobin was born, a couple from our church, who have become such dear friends to me, lost their 18 month old twin daughter Bailey after watching her suffer since birth.  The day before New Years Eve, a family that moved from our church, but Dave and I had two of their sons in our Junior High Sunday school class when they lived in Michigan, lost their Dad/Husband.  He had a heart attack and died.  Although we don't understand why these horrible things have happened, we still trust in the Sovereignty of God.

There have been so many babies or news of babies!  I think sometimes people struggle to share with me that they are expecting or about their pregnancies.  I try to let them know that I am thrilled for them and would never wish that they weren't pregnant or that they go through what we went through.  Yes, it is hard...I want my Baby so bad, but I love that my friends and family are having beautiful healthy babies.  Several of my friends and family know this and they let me hold their babies often, which I LOVE!  Some people ask if we plan on having any more the answer is YES...we aren't sure we are quite ready to try again yet...even though the Trisomy 18 is a total fluke and the odds of it occurring are so slim,  there is something in the back of my mind that says, "what if this happens again"...I know it is silly, but at this point we are still working through the grieving process and working through our fears.  When we do have another little one on the way you will know and we will appreciate your prayers to continue as I am sure the entire pregnancy process will be difficult and scary. Unfortunately I will never look at an ultrasound the same way ever again and I know that there will be a lot of mixed emotions.

Again, I want to thank you for continuing to keep Dave and me in your prayers.  We would not be functioning as well as we are without them.  It has been a blessing to us all the love and support we have had during our loss.  We have seen so many wonderful ways that the Lord has brought, people, books, verses, and songs our way as an encouragement to us.  I just came across a song by Michael W. Smith called, Hello, Goodbye.  I replaced the name with Tobin's name, but it exactly how I feel at times...

Where's the navigator of your destiny
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain
Life and it's brevity
'Cause there is nothing here
That I can understand
You and I
Have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet

Chorus:
Tobin, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
Tobin, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me
When you get there save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile

Thank you again!
Constantly reminded of the Goodness of God,

Bethany
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1 comment:

  1. Semicolon Memoirs.January 23, 2011 at 6:05 PM

    Bethany. My dear friend. Reading this, seeing your faith in the midst of unbelievable suffering and pain, convicted me. I have no words except: thank you for sharing your heart. I love you friend!

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