It's been a long 53 days!

53 days ago I delivered my sweet Tobin boy!  I relive that day over and over in my head.  I wish that I could hold him one more time...smell him one more time...kiss him one more time...but I know that even after that one more time I would still want more.  Today was my second due date for Tobin...October 31st...Halloween!  I remember when they changed my due date I prayed that I wouldn't have him on Halloween!

This week I had the opportunity to go back to subbing at Coopersville Elementary Schools again.  It was so fun to see the kids again!  I had forgotten how much I loved teaching and loved the kids!  On Monday I got to teach Music (my old long-term subbing position).  It was so much fun to see those same kids again and meet some new kids too.  At times it was hard because they knew I was going to have a baby in October so I had a few questions about Tobin.  I shared with each class that asked about my baby that we did have our baby and he was a beautiful boy named Tobin but that we was really sick and so he didn't live, but that he is in Heaven no longer sick and I can't wait to see him again!  The kids were so sincere and they showed me so much love.  Sometimes they would say they were sorry and that they didn't know, but I said, "That's okay!  I love sharing about Tobin!"

This weekend Dave, Michaela and I spent Friday and Saturday with our friends, Albie, LeighAnn, Kyren and Isaac shopping.  We had a great time with them!  They have been such wonderful friends to us and Michaela loves Kyren and Isaac.  While we were eating dinner at Tony's (they give you way more food than any human being should eat in one sitting) on Friday, the waitress asked Michaela a question that silenced our whole table.  She said, "Michaela, where are your siblings?  When are mom and dad going to give you a brother or sister?"  The table got quiet and I looked down at my plate fighting back tears.  I wanted so badly to say, "She has a baby brother!  His name is Tobin and he is in Heaven with Jesus!" or for Michaela to just say, "In Heaven!"  But at the same time I didn't want to get into it or make the waitress feel bad.  I know the waitress had all intentions of being good, she was a wonderful waitress...really good with the kids, even gave Michaela one of her favorites...a sucker, and I know that if Tobin was there with us she would have been so sweet to him too.  She didn't know what was going on in our lives and what we had just been through, but it made me think how careful I need to be with what I say and how I say things because I don't know what is going on in everyone's lives.

I do love to talk about Tobin and share him with others!  Sometimes I feel like people try to avoid bringing it up and I understand, but I want people to know that I have a son and I love him so much!  Tobin is not a bad word! :)  It is okay to say his name!  He is an important part of our lives and who we are!

Just as Tobin's name proclaims we continue to believe and trust that GOD IS GOOD!

Revelation 21:4

October

October was supposed to be a month filled with excitement and joy for our family.  It was the month we were going to welcome our beautiful firstborn son Tobin into this world.  Instead it has been a month of unfulfilled desires and thoughts running through my head daily.  I just want so badly to hold Tobin, rock him, sing to him, wake up in the middle of the night to feed him, cuddle him, smell him, kiss him, hear him cry, wash his cute piggy toes, watch Michaela love on him, and watch his Daddy love on him.  I prayed so hard that he would be healed.   And while God didn’t heal Tobin with the touch I selfishly wanted, He healed him forever.  Tobin has experienced the ultimate healing.  He doesn’t have to experience the anger, sadness and pain of this world.  He gets to experience the eternal healing power of our Savior.  I have always looked forward to the day that I would meet my Savior, but Heaven has become that much sweeter and I long for it so much more.  Just as "Heaven is the face of a little Girl" to Steven Curtis Chapman, Heaven is the face of our sweet baby boy Tobin.

Dave and I had the opportunity to go to, “A Night With the Chapmans” in Holland this past week.  My grandparents heard about it and got us tickets to not only attend the concert but to attend a VIP experience as well.  It was such an amazing night filled with so much hope.  Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth Chapman, shared with us their journey of grief that they have experienced these last 2 years.  As part of the VIP experience we were able to meet with Steven and Mary Beth Chapman before the concert.  There were 200 people that were able to sit in a group setting with the Chapman’s and ask questions and hear their answers as to what they have been going through.  They were so down to earth and it was very evident their dependence on each other and their dependence on the Lord.  The concert began with Steven introducing his son’s band Caleb.  Both Caleb and Will Franklin Chapman are in this band.  It was so neat to hear them talk about trusting God even through the difficult time of losing their sister.  Steven Curtis Chapman joined in singing with them on their last song and then he sang and spoke.  Mary Beth shared her story and how they have all had to trust that everything that God says is true and that they have a hope for the future.  All of the songs Steven Curtis Chapman sang had so much meaning and so much hope.  I loved their honesty and openness.  They are true examples of trusting God even in the darkest of times.  Dave and I found that we could relate to so many of the feelings, questions, and thoughts they have experienced.  I of course cried several times throughout the night.  It was so good for Dave and I to be there.

Friday morning Julie from the Ottawa County Health Department came to our house and visited with Dave and me.  We shared Tobin’s birth story and showed her pictures of him too.  She brought us the sweetest little bereavement bear in honor of Tobin as well as a book and a poem.  He is so cute!  She cried as she listened to us talk.  We had only met with her once before, but she has been an encouragement to us.  She also told us that she would love to stay a part of our lives and know when/if we have any more Baby Coursons.  She loved Michaela and Tobin!

Michaela continues to bring us much joy and she shares her brother’s name often with us.  She sees his picture and says, “Tobin!”  She sees the tree growing on our kitchen counter that we planted in memory of him and says, “Tobin’s Tree!”  She sees his blanket by my bed and says, “Tobin’s Blankee!”   Even though he isn’t here, she has shown us what a wonderful Big Sister she is and how much she loves her Baby Brother Tobin.

Although October has been a difficult month for our family, we continue to see God working in our lives.   It is only through Him that we are able to get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other.  Thank you for your continual prayers and encouragement.  We are so thankful for the friends and family God has given to us.

My Glory Baby

This morning Michaela and I visited Tobin's grave.  I was so nervous driving there.  When I pulled into the cemetery Michaela squealed and yelled, "Momma look!  Flowers!"  I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw her beautiful smile.  How could a place filled with such sorrow bring such joy?  She giggled and continued to yell, "Flowers!  Flowers!  Flowers Momma!"  When we got to The Garden of Innocence where Tobin is buried, I stopped the car and took a deep breathe.  I turned and told Michaela that we were going to see where Tobin is and that she had to stay right with me.  She was so precious.  When we got out of the car we walked over to where Tobin is buried and I showed her the temporary marker that has Tobin's name on it and a little sheep.  She laughed and proclaimed her baby brother's name.  I told her that Tobin was safe with Jesus in Heaven.  She repeated, "Jesus, Heaven!"  I then suggested she sing to Tobin.  So we sang "Jesus Loves Me" together and then we prayed for Tobin.  It was so sweet to see how gentle Michaela was.  If you know Michaela she doesn't sit still and is full of energy.  This morning she stayed right with me, holding my hand and she sat on my lap and folded her hands so sweetly.  We walked through looking at the names and dates of the other babies buried with Tobin and we prayed for the families of some of the babies.  It was a special moment and although Michaela is only 18 months I was amazed at what a big girl she was and how the whole experience went.  I know it was a total God thing!

It has been three weeks since I delivered Tobin, held his fragile body in my arms, kissed his sweet soft face with my lips, watched his Daddy look at him with gentle loving eyes and smile as he held his first born son, and then I had to give him away.  One of the happiest and one of the most difficult days of my life.  Not a moment goes by that I don't think about him.

My Aunt Robin gave me a CD and brought to my attention a beautiful song, "Glory Baby" by Watermark.  Michaela refers to it as "Baby, Baby Song".  The words are so beautiful and are a beautiful picture of where Tobin is now...in Glory.  The song is on my playlist so take a listen.

Glory Baby Lyrics:

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby...baby..you were growing, what happened dear?  You disappeared on us baby...baby...Heaven will hold you before we do.  Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you...Until we're home with you...Miss you everyday.  Miss you in every way.  But we know there's a day when we will hold you.  We will hold you.  You'll kiss our tears away.  When we're home to stay.  Can't wait for the day when we will see you.  We will see you.  But baby let sweet Jesus hold you 'till mom and dad can hold you...You'll just have heaven before we do.  You'll just have heaven before we do.  Sweet little babies, it's hard to understand it 'cause we're hurting.  We are hurting.  But there is healing.  And we know we're stronger people through the growing.  And in knowing-That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would...Just like he said He would...I can't imagine heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like.  But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home.  And it's all you'll ever know...all you'll ever know...

Revelation 21:4
-looking forward to that day

It's Been 2 Weeks

How am I doing?  That's a good question.  I really don't know the answer to that question.  I'm living day to day. It has been two weeks since Tobin's Memorial Service and what a beautiful service it was.

As I sit here thinking about the reality of all that has happened, I cannot help but think about the blessings that God is pouring out on us through friends, family and people we don't even personally know.  We have seen Him in more ways than we ever would have.  Through notes, cards, gifts, words of encouragement, meals, visitors, pictures, flowers, phone calls, hugs, tears, smiles and so much more we have seen God at work.

Even though Tobin's life was short, I have already seen and have been told how his little life impacted the lives of others.  I think that is what every mother would wish of their child, that they would have a positive impact on the lives of others.  From the moment Dave and I found out we were pregnant with Tobin we prayed that the Lord would use him to bring honor and glory to Him.  We prayed that he would grow to love Jesus and that others would see Him reflected in his life.  Although we didn't know how and would not have chosen this way ourselves, we know that God Is Good and that He used Tobin to bring honor and glory to Him.

When I found out that there was the possibility of something being wrong with my pregnancy I started a journal.  I began writing down thoughts, verses, prayers and letters to Tobin.  I am hoping to share some of those with you through this blog.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers and encouragement.  We really appreciate it.