It was so wonderful to see how people really remembered/honored Tobin over the holidays. For my birthday my Mom gave me another lamb blankie that we had buried with Tobin, for Christmas Dave got me a heart charm that has Tobin's footprints engraved with his birthstone and his name and date of birth engraved on the back side, my sister Angie got me a teardrop necklace for me for Christmas in remembrance of Tobin, our friends the DeVries' got us a heart ornament with his name engraved on it, my friends Abbey and LeighAnn got me a necklace with Tobin's name and birthstone, my sister Amy got me a Willowtree ornament with an angel holding a baby, Mrs. Rumley made a Baby Jesus ornament with Tobin's name on it, and even before Christmas my Great Aunt and Uncle got me an ornament with Tobin's name on it and my Cousins too got me another ornament with Tobin's name on it. It is such a joy and encouragement to me to have people recognize him/acknowledge him.
I am so appreciative when people ask me how I am doing....it is a dreaded question, because it is always so hard to say, but I do appreciate people sharing their love and concern for our family.
So, to answer the most dreaded question, "How are you?"...well, it has been *19 weeks *4 months 15 days; *137 days; *3,288 hours; *197,280 minutes; or *11,836,800 seconds...however you want to look at it. The only thing keeping me going is the Lord. There are so many days that I wonder how I made it through the day. I have kept myself so busy with substitute teaching and working at my Grandpa's Insurance Agency. I find myself frequently tired/exhausted yet unable to sleep. Nights are the hardest...when the sun is down and it is dark and cold. There are several days that I go crazy...little things bug me or I just go insane...Dave is usually the one that has to deal with me on those days...he is such a wonderful Husband and Daddy. This last year was definitely a difficult year for our family and friends. A month before Tobin was born, a couple from our church, who have become such dear friends to me, lost their 18 month old twin daughter Bailey after watching her suffer since birth. The day before New Years Eve, a family that moved from our church, but Dave and I had two of their sons in our Junior High Sunday school class when they lived in Michigan, lost their Dad/Husband. He had a heart attack and died. Although we don't understand why these horrible things have happened, we still trust in the Sovereignty of God.
There have been so many babies or news of babies! I think sometimes people struggle to share with me that they are expecting or about their pregnancies. I try to let them know that I am thrilled for them and would never wish that they weren't pregnant or that they go through what we went through. Yes, it is hard...I want my Baby so bad, but I love that my friends and family are having beautiful healthy babies. Several of my friends and family know this and they let me hold their babies often, which I LOVE! Some people ask if we plan on having any more the answer is YES...we aren't sure we are quite ready to try again yet...even though the Trisomy 18 is a total fluke and the odds of it occurring are so slim, there is something in the back of my mind that says, "what if this happens again"...I know it is silly, but at this point we are still working through the grieving process and working through our fears. When we do have another little one on the way you will know and we will appreciate your prayers to continue as I am sure the entire pregnancy process will be difficult and scary. Unfortunately I will never look at an ultrasound the same way ever again and I know that there will be a lot of mixed emotions.
Again, I want to thank you for continuing to keep Dave and me in your prayers. We would not be functioning as well as we are without them. It has been a blessing to us all the love and support we have had during our loss. We have seen so many wonderful ways that the Lord has brought, people, books, verses, and songs our way as an encouragement to us. I just came across a song by Michael W. Smith called, Hello, Goodbye. I replaced the name with Tobin's name, but it exactly how I feel at times...
Where's the navigator of your destiny
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain
Life and it's brevity
'Cause there is nothing here
That I can understand
You and I
Have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet
Chorus:
Tobin, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
Tobin, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side
And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me
When you get there save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile
Thank you again!
Constantly reminded of the Goodness of God,
Bethany
