Tobin's Story:

On Tuesday, June 15, 2010 I received a phone call from my OB's office. The doctor explained that there were some concerns they had with my ultrasounds. They were seeing "red flags" that indicated there could be something wrong with our baby. We were then scheduled to meet with a specialist that Friday. The next couple of days felt like the longest days of my life. Friday morning we first met with a genetic counselor. She went over what they were seeing in my previous ultrasounds and what they would be looking for in the ultrasound I would have after we talked with her. Basically there were two things that they were looking for: Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. She went over what each of those meant and answered the questions we had. We then went in for the ultrasound with the specialist. The specialist came in and explained what they were seeing in the ultrasound: 2 vessel umbilical chord, cysts on the brain, extra amniotic fluid, clenched fists, a cleft lip and clubbed feet. As he went over each thing my heart broke and I wept. When the ultrasound was finished we met with the specialist in his office and he shared with us that he believed our baby had Trisomy 18 which meant that our baby was incompatible with life. He gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy. There was no way we were going to do that. We loved this sweet baby and wanted to show him that love and make the most of his life whatever that may be. We scheduled an amniocentesis test for Friday, August 20th. This would confirm if he had Trisomy 18 as well as confirm the gender of our baby. The specialist prayed with us before we left.

I remember thinking August seemed so far away, but when August 20th came it seemed so quick. I was extremely nervous about the test, but it went rather quick and smoothly. On Monday, August 23rd (Dave's Birthday) we received the preliminary results of the amniocentesis. They did in fact find 3 of the 18th chromosome. Our baby had Trisomy 18. They also shared with us that we were having a baby boy. Dave and I held each other and wept. How could this be?!? After officially hearing the news Dave and I decided we needed to come up with a name for our son. We wanted it to have special meaning. It took us about a week to decided his name: Tobin Kendall. Tobin meaning "God is Good" and Kendall being Dave's grandfather's name and his father's middle name. We truly believed and continue to believe that God Is Good and wanted others to know that.

On Monday, September 6 after a few days of not feeling any movement from Tobin, Dave and I went in to the hospital for a non-stress test. I prayed so hard that God would allow us to hear Tobin's heartbeat. The nurse continued to move the Doppler around on my belly searching for his heartbeat. She explained to us that she wasn't confident enough to tell us that the heartbeat she was hearing was mine or his and so she would call our doctor to have an ultrasound done. Our doctor came and did the ultrasound. After a few minutes of scanning he showed us where Tobin's heart was and explained that there was no heartbeat...Tobin had passed. We decided to be induced the next day. Tobin arrived Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 4:06am. He was 2lbs 1oz and 12.5inches long. He was so beautiful and I cherish every moment we had with him.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Change of Clothes

I never saw Tobin after we held him at the hospital.  He was gently taken from my arms by my dear friend where he was brought to the funeral home to prepare for burial (I could not have given Tobin into the arms of anyone else with a peace that he was being loved and cared for as though he were family).  We went to make arrangements for his burial and memorial service the next day.  We chose a coffin, decided on the wording for the newspaper, made arrangements to meet with the place he would be buried, met with Pastor, chose a verse for the pamphlet, and figured out what else needed to be done for the funeral.  It was a whirlwind of a day...Exhausting!

I had brought clothes to put Tobin in so that we could have some pictures of him in different outfits, but when I held him for the first time I quickly realized that his frail, fragile body would not be able to withstand outfit changes and the preemie clothes were far too big to fit him.  One of the outfits that my Mom gave Tobin said, "Thank Heaven for Little Boys".  They specifically went out and exchanged it for a preemie size when we found out he was gone and was coming a 8 weeks early.  I was so disappointed that we wouldn't get to put it on him.  

Tobin is buried in that outfit.  I never got to see it on him.

Do I wish that I would have seen Tobin before he was buried?!?  I don't know.  The time we had at the hospital with him was far too short, but as time passed his body became more fragile and frail, so the memory we have of him is not so harshly tainted by the deterioration of his earthly body.

Today, I pulled that exact same outfit out of the drawer to put on Aidan.  As I began putting Aidan's chubby arms and legs into the outfit I couldn't help but cry.  These were mixed tears...tears of sorrow and grief for my Tobin and tears of joy that I have this beautiful healthy chubby little boy to dress.  There are so many days that I long and ache to hold Tobin, to dress him, to kiss him, to cuddle him, to see what color his eyes are and to hear his sweet cry!  I have learned to cherish every change of clothes (which happens a lot with Aidan as he is a spitter), every kiss, every cuddle, every big brown eyed stare and every cry (even at 2am).





Who would have thought that a simple change of clothes could mean so much...
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